The First of Many

Sadly, I don't have much memory of my first chemo. They all just kind of run together in a bunch of blurrs. In my journal all I wrote was...I had my first chemo this weekend...and then went on talking about friends- who stabbed who in the back or who I was in love with at the moment. very eventful. You can tell I must have been in denial or something about the whole process. I write very little about my lupus. Of course, now I wish I would have, which is why I'm doing this. Try and fill it in a little.This is what I remember the room to look like. a LOT less colorful though.
I remember sitting on the edge of the bed talking to my Doctor.
I remember being SO offended when the nurse walked in covered from head to toe in drapes and blue feathery fabric. Here I'm going to have this stuff pulsed through my veins and she can't take it if a drop falls on her skin? wimp.
I remember after the whole treatment being so proud of not vomiting once, feeling like crap but resisting the urge to run to the bathroom. And then my doctor telling me that was GREAT hopfully you will not get to nauseous during these treatments, but it is not uncommon for you to weaken over time.
Vowed that I was going to be strong- I was NEVER going to vomit.

I made it through the first one without vomiting, but that was the only one.From then on, I did a little each more each time. Pretty soon it was so out of control they would put me to sleep for it all. Drug me really well. Not with anesthesia though- so I was still conscious and talking. waking up- to throw-up and go pee. It never really worked in stopping me to vomit, but it did help me sleep better. In fact it just came to the point as soon as we were sitting in the childish reception room I was falling asleep on my pillow. My body was shutting down, going into hibernation mode for as long as it could. I would wake up for the IV's, and to pee, throw up. I could barely hold my eyes open after a couple of years went by, when my doctor came in. It was always the same bad news anyway.