TODAY

TODAY was a crazy day. I had so many things happen that flooded my mind with memories that I can't sleep.
I had a doctors appointment, mainly a meet and greet and get a referral to see the rhuematologist in this area. I have been seeing doctors forever, but for some reason I was scared out of my mind for this one. I think it was because it is in a new place, a new doctor and I had a lot of stuff to get covered. I wanted to be listened to- and didn't have my mom here to bust their chops when they weren't listening. As many of you know- I'm not one to speak up, let alone bust chops.
After being diagnosed I had a lot of appointments, and they became really scary to me. Especially those first Treatments.
It would start with my weight...tried not to listen to that, and most the time it was in metrics and so I didn't know what it converted to anyway. Phew. but today it was good- I actually didn't worry about that, or didn't care.
then my height- this doesn't make me nervous- rather a joke between me and my mom. Sometimes I 'm 5'9. sometimes, I'm 5'11." Sometimes, I've shrunk to 5'8". Today I was a whopping 5"9" and three quarters.
My blood pressure would always be different and high numbers. They would say it was because I was nervous, and I was. I learned how to breath slow and think calm thoughts- and that really helps, seemed to make the crazy numbers go down a little. I had that same fear today. I mean think of all the things to be nervous about.
(back in the day) My latest blood scores? Do I have to pee in a cup? can I go pee if they ask? blood work? and how many tubes? which arm this time? Chemo going to slow down to 3 month intervals yet? still monthly. What kind of a phyiscal are they going to do on me today....
Today..it was much the same. new doctor new routine. blood work, call more doctors. I had to get a phyiscal for girls camp...what do they do for a phyiscal? yikes? I need to talk to him about the bump on my nose- will he take me seriously? the cough...chest X-rays really? ok. yadda yadda yadda. Lots of nerves. I guess in a couple of days we will see my blood scores. We will look at my chest X-ray, in 2 weeks see the specialists, and 4 weeks I get to have another nervous break down and see him again.

Then I get the chest X-ray...I had to pee really bad. I wash my hands :) I used the soap and it smelled so bad! ug. like hospital. haha. I pull out my bath and body lotion. memories.


ALSO I stayed up late and watched Izzie and her chemo. flood of memory when Dr. Baily said- now this is going to burn, and pushed fluid into her IV. All this writing and dr stuff has really brought back so many memories. I need to get this blog done. I just wanted to cry, and cry for a fictional character. hum.
oh don't worry...I turn it off when, you know. and fast fwd when, you know.