The Feelings

Not all the syptoms are really clear to me. It was during 8th grade track. I was running the 400, the triple jump, and the high jump. I think I was trying to time for the 200 too. Everyday my body would ache. Just the sign of your body being worked to hard, out of shape, right? For me I felt like I had twisted an ankle or hit my elbow REALLY hard on a desk or something. I was dumbfounded, especially when the very next day it would be a whole different joint. I started complaining a lot, and I could tell it was starting to get on my friends nerves. I recall walking in the middle of Robert Start Jr. High's field with Kendra (who I adored..she was always very popular) and a few other friends limping because my right angle killed, but the day before, my right ankle had hurt. I had said something and immediatly thought I have go to stop complaining. I'm hurting all over, and it is making me slow and a terrible runner. But these guys think I'm just complaining because I can't own up to being a terrible player. We had another friend who did that same thing. She complained about this and that- making exuses as to why she didn't run as fast as everyone else or had a bad day. I heard her being mocked behind her back and I knew this was probably starting about me. That really hurt. My parents and coaches figured I was going through growth spurts and that is why my joints were having problems.

I never finished track.

On one particular night I was trying to finish my "ME" book. I named mine "MICH" me in german. A compilation of stories we write about ourselves and experiences and put it in a big binder. Last year (2008) I was home and noticed my little brother doing his.haha. oh the joys of jr. high. SO, I think I was just waiting for one of my parents to proof read a paper for this book. It was almost done. I was in so much pain. I just laid on the ground sobbing, crying so hard and begging my parents to take me to the dr. I felt that it wasn't just growing pains. At that point I think they realized that I wasnt just "complaining" either. Something was wrong.

My joints got red and swollen. I was seeing the dr a lot and my scores were outrageous. When we got my tests back from Dr. Ippilito I remember him saying that my Antigen levels were not only the highest he had see but also the specialist in Utah he had been conversing with. Trying to discover what on Earth was wrong with me.

At first they diagnosed me with Juvenille RA. That scared me. I didn't want my joints all out of sorts at such a young age.

I rode the bus to school everyday. I had the pleasure of riding with the Chandlers...Amy Jo, another person I idolized...well still do :) one time someone bumped into me on the bus and it shot pain everywhere. From my elbows and wrists up to my neck, it felt like I had just been crunched by a baseball bat. After cringing I looked over and Amy, who was sitting across from me had a "oh I'm so sorry for you"look on her face. I was so embarassed, but at the same time I felt a quiet satisfaction- because someone had witnessed me in pain when I didn't want them to see it, when it wasn't be voicing my aches.