The start of Miracles

So many miracles. And although this is the first very tangible miracle I wouldn't say it was the first. Being born when I was, and diagnosed when I was could be one of the first. I'm not talking about being grateful I was born in this century-I'm talking about being born in that decade. If I was born 5,10,15 years earlier my life expectancy would be 5 years. There wasn't any research on Lupus till recently.
I consider another miracle is being born to the family that I have- one with so much compassion and caring. People with determination the desire to keep improving. I wasn't born into an abusive uneducated family. My parents have high morals and went to school till I was about 12. This is important- because, if I had neglectful parents- forget me seeing today. If my parents didn't go to school, they wouldn't have their jobs, that gave them health insurance that allowed me to be seen by the specialist and have the treatments I did, and pay for them too. I think out of pocket they paid over $60,o00 for chemo alone, for the rest I don't know...lots of money.
Lastly- I was born into the Gospel. I had priesthood blessings, ward fasts on my behalf, friends and family prayers and fasting. I don't know what I would have done with out the YW in my ward who were my main friends and support(besides immediate family). And, of course, I could feel the Savior there for me.

on with the story.

This is after the bloodclots, but before the chemo. Aw the summer months. Of course I had asked if I was going to loose my hair. Dr. Bonsak's (Primary Children's doc) reply was everyone reacts different, but probably. ( I thought that I would be the exception...not loose my hair, but it scared me to death to loose my hair) .
Some of my friends had vowed to shave their head, some of them told me they wouldn't. It's ok, I honestly wasn't hurt about that- cause I probably wouldn't have either. Maybe if everyone had done it. (how cliche)


We were driving in the monster white van. I have a lot of memories of this thing. This isn't a picture of it, similar though. I wanted to still let you have a image in your head.And my mom told me that a sister in our stake had heard about me and contacted a new company called Nioxin. I don't know if they were on the market yet, if they were they were REALLY expensive. Nioxin is a company that helps clients with thin or thinning hair. Their products give nutirents to the scalp and folicles. Nioxin was claiming that their products may also help patients in chemo help retain their hair. They were conduction resarch on patients to see if it did work. Nioxin contacted us, they wanted me to be their client and gave us whatever I wanted or needed for free for the whole corse of the chemo!
They still are super expensive, and have a ton more products to choose from. For instance, one product I used was

3.4 oz bottle of Nioxin Scap Treatment Retail now : $24

I used a lot more of their products- from Shampoo, conditioner to all sorts of things to rub on my scalp. probably about 12 products. holy cow! that's a lot of money and products. Did it work?

I never had the delight of waking up with half my hair on my pillow- but I lost more than half my hair. I think I probably lost over 3/4's of my hair. I have REALLY thick hair, especially for a blonde, and it came down to where I could pinch it all in a tiny barette.

I really didn't think that I was going to lose my hair. I really was going to be the exception. I didn't understand that my chemo was one of the oldest and harshest on the body. I didn't understand how chemo worked- that is was killing all the living cells in your body and throwing them out with the ones that were already dead...like your hair. I just didn't understand.
So when I'm standing in the shower pulling out handful after handful of hair I'm in shock. It just never stops coming out. I brush my hair, another couple of handfuls, curl it- handful, pony it- handful. tramatized. I would never pull out one hair...you know to cut off your chapstick or floss your teeth with. Every single strand was precious to me.
The majority of the chemo I would loose hair a handful hear and there. Only the first 6 months or so was it this tramatic for me {handful after handful}. For years after chemo-into college, the loss of one single hair would freak me out.

And to hear those around me complain of their hair made me cry. If only they knew. IF they only knew.
I cut my hair short- to try and make it more managable. It was the time where Meg Ryan...you remember this style?? yup, I tried to pull this one off, but due to the "talented" lady at great clips by Winco...It looked more like a hack job :) I couldn't have pulled it off with what little hair I had anyway. I had problems with getting my hair cut- because I felt like nothing would work out. The idea in my head and what the actual ending product in the end were not the same. I also had not discovered the round brush! can you believe it. In Retrospect I think that would have helped a LOT, I tried to get volume from a curling iron...does't work that way.

Having little hair was so hard for me. I didn't feel beautiful, I didn't feel like I fit in, or that anyone could understand. I don't feel even now like I can express how hard or tramatizing not having this hair was for me at this age- cause along with being chubby I did not look like any of the girls my age.
How grateful I am to Nioxin, I know that what little hair I had was from their products. They do work and they gave them to me for FREE. what an amazing company. and truly a miracle- I can only imagine how much more tramtizing being bald would have been.

"HAIR! HAIR! It's everywhere! Some have a little. Some have lots. Plain hair, striped hair, polka dots."
"Fish and snails - do they have hair? Not one hair. Not anywhere."
"Enjoy your hair, for goodness' sake!"
"HAIR IS GREAT!"

The Hair Book by Graham Tether