I have been quite busy... and I have felt a little bit of a writers block. The things that have come to me to write I have been holding back on because they are toward the end of the chemo experience, but at the same time- there is not much that changed from each chemo treatment. for three years--once a month...weekends, holidays- my life was filled with medication and throwing up. I threw up so much that it was destroying my teeth, my throat, my stomach and sphincter. I was on Prevacid for the acid reflux that occured because my acid was so high and the rest of my sphincther and esophogas wouldn't work properly to keep it all down. (yeah, it still doesn't work the way it should, but it has healed a lot, speaking of which it is what woke me up this morning...couldn't sleep and can't figure out what I ate.)
So beacuse the throwing up was to hard on me and my body (both emotionally and physically) they really started to drug me. I would be out cold. My body became used to this so as soon as we would walk in the hospital. I would smell the smells and feel the familiarity come over me instantly I would yawn. A few times I fell asleep in the waiting room. I was relieved to be in a happier dream world for that 24 hours.
The drugs were nice- however, they didn't make it all go away. I would still throw up a lot, and it really concerned the doctor and my mom. The Chemo wasn't improving my scores but it was taking a toll on me. Each treatment I was a little weaker. Oh...(shutter) I hated it.
I would still be in a lot of pain after- the drugs simply helped me to sleep a little more.
I can't remember what they put me on, there were a couple they would try or switch around from...one was Dexamethasone (if you read down a little bit you will find it's "oncology" uses). These drugs were crazy. They'd make me do crazy things....which brings me to my "title."
My mom.
Man, I really can't even fathom what this must have been like for her. Even now being a mom and having had sick children...my kids haven't been dying or even close. sure maybe a cold that seemed to last forEVER. but that doesn't bring up the kind of emotions that one might feel with a dying child on their hands. I think only few can really ever know what that can feel like. I really hope I never have to know...or any of you for that matter.
My mom would take me to every chemo. She would put up with me being a REALLY onry sassy teenager. I mean I'm at the prime of my sassiness anyway, and on top of it I'm miserable (inside) for being sick and having to endure the next week of my life.
Those rides were hardly fun for her, I'm sure.
Then I would only become more irriated and LESS talkitive than I already was as we got into the hospital.
Sometimes we would watch a movie or a show. She might wander around the floor or hospital, get dinner. It was probably nice to leave me for a while ;)
Then I would start complaining, she would talk with the doctors about my pathetic blood work and me still sick.
Then watch me get a few IV's.
Monitor the nurses. Gotta keep them in line.
Hold my hair, help me pee, hold my hair, help me pee.
TRY to sleep.
hold my hair, help me pee, hold my hair, help me pee.
try to sleep some more.
hold my hair, help me pee, hold my hair, help me pee.
Then wait around all morning and sometimes afternoon...my being "miss delightful."
Talk to the doctors...again about the great scores and what they were going to hit me with next time.
Then drive me home. fun fun fun... haha.
Something though, the things I did on the ride really makes me laugh about some of this, and so sad. (same with my mom...we laugh about it now, but she said she would cry about it, and try to reason with herself that it wasn't me- just the meds)
All the medicine they would put me on would put in in a weird daze for that 24 hours+. I would be asleep and yet fully aware of what was going on. I can remember some things and nothing at all at the same time. SO weird. So, the nausea would still be with me the next few days after chemo and riding home in the car did NOT help with that. So although I would be drunk, I was still awake. 90% of this I don't remember, but some I do.
When driving home I would start to get nauseous and sit up and yell nasty things at my mom. (thats the stuff she would try to say it wasn't me talking it is the meds)
One that I remember so vividly was: I was trying to sleep, but every turn would make me want to vomit. So I sat up and screamed at her "STOP TURNING CORNERS!" and at the same time I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was... she can't stop turning and just go straight, I wanted to get home as bad as she did. hahaHAHA.
ok, It's not that funny, but it cracks me up. I think because- I said it when I was crazy and realized I was crazyright then an there. just call me mental.
Don't worry I have apologized to my mom. and I'm still so sad I treated her like crap. I think she understands a lot though- she is quite the wise woman. I sure love her and really Think the world of her- how could you not after all those years of sticking by my side and sticking up for me...
