A {miraculous} End in Sight

When I was a junior in High School my chemo therapy treatments were every three months! This was heaven to me, my hair was growing back and I felt like I could breath inbetween treatments.
Saldy though, my scores were not improving. maybe they were up a niche, maybe, but the doctor was dumbfounded. He would walk into every chemo with the new blood scores in his hand with his shoulders slumps and the superfacial smile. He would talk with my mom about the scores and I would fall asleep.
I felt so silly falling asleep, but it was my bodies natural reaction to walking into Primary Childrens Hospital. My body just shut down into hibernation mode.

Sometime before my Junior year my dad received a new calling, he was a stake executive secretary {page 9} . Our stake president at the time was Brent H. Neilson, who spoke Sunday Afternoon in Conference. To see him or re-watch the talk go HERE, or HERE.
When Stake Conference would come around we felt so special. We often had a spot saved for us on the cushie chairs up front, the area authority or general authority from the church would come and eat dinner on Sunday with the families in the Stake Presidency and executive Secs. It was pretty neat to be able to meet these guys, or just be in their presence.
One stake conference it was our family's turn to host dinner after the Sunday session. The Authority that came was Bishop Keith B. McMullin.

I met him, shook his hand and that was about all the interaction I had with him and the adults. Its about all I ever had at those types of things with adults....teenagers.
Toward the end, however, my mom came up and told me the following story:

Bishop McMullin came and took my hand and said, I have heard all about your daughters health and your trials.
I asked some thing like, HOW! how did he find out? I felt like the whole state of Idaho knows, why does he have to know, why one more person have to know about MY LUPUS. my mom said it was Marica, (President Nielsons wife) since he stayed with them through the duration of the conference.
President Hinckley and the first presidency goes to the temple every Thursday morning, I was wondering if I could take your name to the temple for them to pray for your and your daughter health. Would that be okay?

With tears in her eyes she OF COURSE accepted.

I thought about that all week after, especially Thursday. They are praying for ME.

Later, at my next Chemo treatment I went got all the blood work done, went to my room got all set up and IV's started all that Jazz and waited for the doctor to come in and tell us the news on my blood work, if I was getting better or worse. If I was still the same, some medical mystery.

This time however, He came skipping in, papers in his hand waving above his head eyes shinny and smile beaming. It was good news.

I was healed. {remember just months before I had not shown any improvment from the beginning}


I had one more chemotherapy treatment, and I have been in remission since then.

I think this is more a testimony of faith and of the priesthood. I don't know if in the end it was the Prophet praying in my behalf, or a combination of all things. All the Priesthood blessings I recieved, all the prayers from family and ward members, my faith-prayers and devotion. My understanding of Christ and His atonement coming to life to me through my own suffering. But the Lord found my faith sufficient enough, my heart softened enough to end my trial.

I didn't stop learning just because my physical pain had stopped. I still had to deal with many feelings of why me, and much praying and understanding the will of the Lord. Not that I understand it all today. Just pieces of why I may have been blessed with this trial.

Abide with Me

Abide with me, 'tis eventide. The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall' the night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest, within my home abide.

O Savior Stay this night with me; behold, 'tis eventide.
O Savior Stay this night with me; Behold, 'tis eventide.

Abide with me; 'tis eventide. They walk today with me
Has Made my hear within me burn, As I communed with thee.
They Earnest words have filled my soul and Kept me near thy side

Abide with me; 'tis eventide. And Lone will be the night.
If I cannot commine with thee, Nor find in thee my light.
The Darkness of the world, I fear, would in my home abide.

O Savior Stay this night with me; Behold 'tis eventide.
O Savior stay this night with me, 'tis eventide.

I put the words, because trying to upload the MOTAB version is too difficult. But read them carefully. They are beautiful. and the music, is my favorite. I have always loved this one. My parents and leaders taught me from a young age to memorize the hymns for those not so holy places and times we get stuck in sometimes. Of course, the ones we love, we memorize. Like this one. I love it because of the chorus...B flat to D, C.....love it.

I haven't told this story to anyone ever. It is so simple and yet too powerful to me. Sacred. Thinking of it brings me to tears. I can't write or make you feel what I felt that night, and it isn't some magestic story or anything like that. But I hope the spirit does let you feel a part of what I felt. If not right now then...on a "lone night," or when the world seems "dark" to you. Keep him by your side now in the good times- so when the darkness that you fear comes upon you he will Abide with you.

Some treatments went smoother than others. I would throw-up less, I would recover faster. Others were tough. The IV's would blow, I wouldn't pee till forever, I would get really sick- and the medicine wouldn't calm it down. I couldn't sleep, or eat, or drink...could bearly live.

My mom always says I was on my death bed for those three years, I thought that was dramatic, but Looking back-it was pretty much true. from my scores to my health all signs kind of prove it.

Here is the picture you can paint in your head. Many of you have had babies- or been in the hospital once, right? so you know you have tubes/IV's in and out of you everywhere- meaning not many comfortable ways to lay. The saline and fulids running through you; chill you to the bone, and their hard smelly (hospital smelly) blankets don't do it for ya.
Then add the increasing pain. Maybe think of the flu, and intensify it. your skin hurts to touch, the smells make your stomach revolt, and you puke and puke and puke and. The muscles down to your tonails are tender.
Your room is cold, you are cold. The hospital is sleeping and the nurses at their station. Alone. My mom is by me, and although trying to sleep, I know now she probably didn't sleep at all. But there is only so much that she can do, and only so many times I can cry and complain to her. She did so much.
This is where the Savior comes in. HE has done it all. He has felt my pain.
I can't sleep, tv out of the question, so I sing my hymn in my head and pray fervently that I can just fall asleep and disolve into another world.
Instead I feel warm arms move up my folded ones. Wrap around my neck. Warmth pulses through my veins and for a minute the pain subsides, I cry. and fall asleep. I know He was there. With all my heart, on that night, He wrapped me up and held me till I fell asleep.

of course I prayed A LOT more for Him, and He would come, never that strong, but he was there always for me. My Savior.

The start of Miracles

So many miracles. And although this is the first very tangible miracle I wouldn't say it was the first. Being born when I was, and diagnosed when I was could be one of the first. I'm not talking about being grateful I was born in this century-I'm talking about being born in that decade. If I was born 5,10,15 years earlier my life expectancy would be 5 years. There wasn't any research on Lupus till recently.
I consider another miracle is being born to the family that I have- one with so much compassion and caring. People with determination the desire to keep improving. I wasn't born into an abusive uneducated family. My parents have high morals and went to school till I was about 12. This is important- because, if I had neglectful parents- forget me seeing today. If my parents didn't go to school, they wouldn't have their jobs, that gave them health insurance that allowed me to be seen by the specialist and have the treatments I did, and pay for them too. I think out of pocket they paid over $60,o00 for chemo alone, for the rest I don't know...lots of money.
Lastly- I was born into the Gospel. I had priesthood blessings, ward fasts on my behalf, friends and family prayers and fasting. I don't know what I would have done with out the YW in my ward who were my main friends and support(besides immediate family). And, of course, I could feel the Savior there for me.

on with the story.

This is after the bloodclots, but before the chemo. Aw the summer months. Of course I had asked if I was going to loose my hair. Dr. Bonsak's (Primary Children's doc) reply was everyone reacts different, but probably. ( I thought that I would be the exception...not loose my hair, but it scared me to death to loose my hair) .
Some of my friends had vowed to shave their head, some of them told me they wouldn't. It's ok, I honestly wasn't hurt about that- cause I probably wouldn't have either. Maybe if everyone had done it. (how cliche)


We were driving in the monster white van. I have a lot of memories of this thing. This isn't a picture of it, similar though. I wanted to still let you have a image in your head.And my mom told me that a sister in our stake had heard about me and contacted a new company called Nioxin. I don't know if they were on the market yet, if they were they were REALLY expensive. Nioxin is a company that helps clients with thin or thinning hair. Their products give nutirents to the scalp and folicles. Nioxin was claiming that their products may also help patients in chemo help retain their hair. They were conduction resarch on patients to see if it did work. Nioxin contacted us, they wanted me to be their client and gave us whatever I wanted or needed for free for the whole corse of the chemo!
They still are super expensive, and have a ton more products to choose from. For instance, one product I used was

3.4 oz bottle of Nioxin Scap Treatment Retail now : $24

I used a lot more of their products- from Shampoo, conditioner to all sorts of things to rub on my scalp. probably about 12 products. holy cow! that's a lot of money and products. Did it work?

I never had the delight of waking up with half my hair on my pillow- but I lost more than half my hair. I think I probably lost over 3/4's of my hair. I have REALLY thick hair, especially for a blonde, and it came down to where I could pinch it all in a tiny barette.

I really didn't think that I was going to lose my hair. I really was going to be the exception. I didn't understand that my chemo was one of the oldest and harshest on the body. I didn't understand how chemo worked- that is was killing all the living cells in your body and throwing them out with the ones that were already dead...like your hair. I just didn't understand.
So when I'm standing in the shower pulling out handful after handful of hair I'm in shock. It just never stops coming out. I brush my hair, another couple of handfuls, curl it- handful, pony it- handful. tramatized. I would never pull out one hair...you know to cut off your chapstick or floss your teeth with. Every single strand was precious to me.
The majority of the chemo I would loose hair a handful hear and there. Only the first 6 months or so was it this tramatic for me {handful after handful}. For years after chemo-into college, the loss of one single hair would freak me out.

And to hear those around me complain of their hair made me cry. If only they knew. IF they only knew.
I cut my hair short- to try and make it more managable. It was the time where Meg Ryan...you remember this style?? yup, I tried to pull this one off, but due to the "talented" lady at great clips by Winco...It looked more like a hack job :) I couldn't have pulled it off with what little hair I had anyway. I had problems with getting my hair cut- because I felt like nothing would work out. The idea in my head and what the actual ending product in the end were not the same. I also had not discovered the round brush! can you believe it. In Retrospect I think that would have helped a LOT, I tried to get volume from a curling iron...does't work that way.

Having little hair was so hard for me. I didn't feel beautiful, I didn't feel like I fit in, or that anyone could understand. I don't feel even now like I can express how hard or tramatizing not having this hair was for me at this age- cause along with being chubby I did not look like any of the girls my age.
How grateful I am to Nioxin, I know that what little hair I had was from their products. They do work and they gave them to me for FREE. what an amazing company. and truly a miracle- I can only imagine how much more tramtizing being bald would have been.

"HAIR! HAIR! It's everywhere! Some have a little. Some have lots. Plain hair, striped hair, polka dots."
"Fish and snails - do they have hair? Not one hair. Not anywhere."
"Enjoy your hair, for goodness' sake!"
"HAIR IS GREAT!"

The Hair Book by Graham Tether